A wonderful day

Today was just wonderful.  I enjoyed every minute.  Nothing really special happened…it was just a good day. 

Here are some highlights:

• Having about an hour quiet time this morning to study God’s Word and pray before starting my day.
• Feeling complete peace and assurance about a situation in my life where I know God is telling me to “wait” and learn even more about Him in the process.  Oh that trust thing!!  It can just be so hard, sometimes! : )
• Feeling fully confidant that no matter what the biopsy finds, I am ok because God is in control and my life is in his hands. 
• Finding a parking space at the train station, even though I was running late.
• The train ride in that gave me the time to write in my journal and read in my Perspectives reader.
• Reading about “global people” and cultural integration in the Perspectives essays.
• Seeing my boss and colleague who are just now back from Cyprus and for the opportunity to learn about Cyprus from them. 
• The opportunity to pray for the Greeks and Turks in Cyprus as well as the UN Security forces, the World Vision staff, and the people they serve–as well as for the negotiations.
• The opportunity to talk with our Azerbaijan Baku office and discuss the possibility of a visit in June.
• The opportunity to pray for our World Vision Baku staff–that they might be a light in the darkness and a voice of the Son.
• The blessing of attending Frontline Arlington by myself tonight and being with other believers who chose to worship the Lord on a Monday night after work.
• The new people I met tonight at Frontline and our nice conversation.
• Realizing yet again, how blessed I am to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, and not just a job, but one I love!  Not everyone can say those things–I am very thankful that at in this place and time, I can.

It was a wonderful day.

Judas at Easter Week

Judas.  What comes to mind when you hear that name?  Betrayal?  The killing of Jesus?  A special place in Hell?

Yesterday we had a Pastor deliver our chapel message at work.  She talked about Judas and pointed out the events of this week in history–how Christ suffered during this week–enduring not only unfathomable physical and emotional pain but spiritual pain as well as literally everyone He knew, including God, turned their backs on him while He, entirely blameless,  hung on a cross and died for our sins.  We remember Judas as the one who betrayed Christ.  However, it wasn’t just Judas who did this, everyone did.  And we all do now.  Just as the throngs of people cheering for Jesus and waving Palms when he rode in through the city gates turned on him during those last hours, so do we when we profess our love and then waiver in our faith, our commitment, our obedience, and our love.  We, too, out of fear or greed or whatever the case may be, turn our backs on the single person who loved us enough to die a hideous death alone just for us.

This Pastor reminded us that once Judas had committed his act of betrayal, he was overcome with grief and tried to return the money he received for selling Christ out.  However, the officials wouldn’t take the money back.  What was done was done.  Judas, in his shame and guilt and seeing no other way out, killed himself.  This Pastor said she wished Judas had just stuck around a few more days–hung in there just a few more hours–to see what would happen next.  He would have seen that Jesus forgave everyone….everyone…all those who doubted Him, He forgave.  Those who denied Him, He forgave.  Each one He, in complete Grace and tender Mercy, restored to right relationship with Hm.  We have to believe had Judas just held on a few days more that Christ would have forgiven and restored him too.

There are people in life that can’t see their way out of their current situations and as a result make a dire decision…act rashly…perhaps end it all.  We find it impossible to believe that Grace can extend to us…that someone could forgive us…or love us, despite all we have done.  We find it beyond hope that a relationship can be mended or set right again.  So we walk away.  We turn our backs. We harden our hearts.  We break ties.  We give up.  We may even kill ourselves. 

In college, my friend’s little brother shot himself in the head after he and a friend snuck into their father’s gun cabinet and were playing with a shotgun.  My friend’s brother was pointing a gun at his best friend when it went off, shooting his best friend in the chest at point blank range and killing him immediately.  Overcome with grief, my friend’s brother wrote a note to explain what happened.  He said he could not live with what he had done.  He took his own life.  My friend came home to find the two boys dead on the living room floor.  It rocked our world for quite some time.  Guilt is a powerful thing.  Emotions are intense.  We can’t see our way out.  We do stupid things.  However, even in those the horrible trenches of sorting out our own actions, Grace steps in–if we allow it–if we make room.  God says in Deuteronomy 30:19 I put before you life and death…choose life. 

What would we the world be like now had Judas made that choice?

The blessing of Easter is that we have that choice…to be restored…forgiven…made right and new…through Christ’s blood that He chose to shed for us…no matter what we have done.  And praise God for that!

A.W. Tozer’s “The Saint Must Walk Alone”

God never ceases to amaze me.   I am always humbled by how present God is just when we think He isn’t.

I’ve been feeling restless lately and rather disenchanted with my church.  I’ve also felt very alone–not lonely–just alone.  I’ve felt like things seem too “safe” and that a sense of shallowness, superficiality, or comfort pervades.  Lately, I’ve been in a spot where I’ve been longing for a Radical faith–a faith that is bold and courageous–the type of faith that Peter, Stephen, Paul, and Barnabas each had as described in Acts.  I’ve longed for the kind of relationships that existed between Priscilla, Aquila, and Apollos as Priscilla and Aquila extended hospitality to and invested in teaching, Apollos, their friend.  I’ve longed for others to join in the desire to know Christ and make Him known.  To me, the church I see before me has felt dead…missing that New Testament passion.   I’ve struggled with these feelings–not wanting to be judgmental, arrogant, or overly harsh.

It all seems ironic to me too now because for the past year, I have been praying fervently for God to make me bold, to give me courage, to help me live out my call.  I’ve felt so afraid and so timid for so long.  For a variety of reasons for a good chunk of time, I haven’t been willing or able to truly follow Christ wherever He leads…though I have heard him calling.  Now, as I wrestle with my own inner desire to burst out of the confines of a “too safe” religiosity, I laugh–seeing how God has answered my prayers after all!

Today, I see that God has been walking through these recent feelings with me and that is such a wonderful thing to observe and know.  I ran an errand this afternoon to the local Christian bookstore to pick up a gift for a friend.  A copy of AW Tozer’s Radical Cross caught my eye.  I bought it, came home, and plunked down to read for a bit.  I was gripped.  Tozer’s essay, “The Saint Must Walk Alone” felt like God’s explanation to me of what I am feeling and going through right now.  What an amazing gift.  It made sense of the shallowness I think I see.  It made sense of that alone feeling and gave me perspective on what it means.  He explained, what I already knew, how valuable are friends who are willing to live radically in the name of Christ and walk on the edge with you as well.  Those are very few and far between.  Tozer was a direct, blunt man but dead on in many ways.  I’m thankful that his book caught my eye today.  What a friend he is in a time of need.  Because of him and how God used him today, I can be more patient with the church and yet still move boldly ahead on my own.

Unrequitted love…

“May my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God” is what Bob Pierce, World Vision founder, scribbled in his bible while on a trip through South Korea in 1950, right before the Korean war ensued.  His words capture me, a stranger, all these years later.  Bob was struck by all the struggles people face in the world–injustice, poverty, famine, war.  He heard what the Bible calls the “groans” of the Earth and set out to join God in that redemptive plan.

When I think of Bob’s words today, though, I think about a situation much closer to home for me.  A few years ago, I was struggling quite a bit over a terrible act of sin I became aware of in someone I loved.  My heart was completely broken…not because I had “caught” this person in sin or because I felt let down but because I cared deeply for my friend and I knew that this sin was causing a deep alienation from God, whom I know he loved.  I was miserable over this…my heart truly was broken as I sat helpless, watching all the horrible fall out from my friend’s sin–loss of job, reputation, family, friends.  I knew the only thing that would help my friend was getting right with God but I feared that my friend would not trust that he could receive God’s forgivness and that nothing was beyond God’s throne of Grace.  I was filled with worry and concern for him as I saw him move further away from the only One who could truly help him.

As I cried to a sister in Christ about this, she very tenderly said, “Lesley, just imagine…what you feel now is not even a hint of what God feels over this–His heart is broken too.”  Wow!  What amazing words my sister offered to me.  Up until then, I had never really thought about God being heart broken over sin quite like that.  I don’t know why–I guess because I always focused on God’s strength and not so much on his tenderness.  My friend’s words really hit me.  I felt so incredibly humbled and in awe to imagine that God loved us like that…loved us that much…I pictured God actually crying over the loss of relationship with my friend and felt a sense of a private grief between God and him.  It truly changed the way I view God and the way I view sin.

I don’t know what ever happened to my friend.  His shame over his conduct drove a wedge in his relationships.  He left our church and broke contact with everyone I know.  Perhaps he has found a church somewhere else.  I pray that continually for him.  I pray that he will accept and know God’s unfailing love…and that he, too, can approach the Mercy seat…no matter what he has done.  I pray that someday he will realize that I do still love and miss him too.  I pray for restored relationship with me but more importantly with God.  If you read this, friend, know that all this is true.  I still care and I still miss you.

It is amazing to me to think that God looks at us, His children, and when He sees poor conduct in us, He weeps.  It amazes me to think that He is heart broken and enraged when He sees the injustices, the oppression, the poverty, and all the horrible things many must endure.  Bob was right–we should pray that our hearts be broken by the things that break the heart of God.  For our God longs to be known by us–He longs to end the unrequitted love.

10 things I learned this week

This week was a wild week.  Here are some of the things I learned:

1. An introduction costs little but can have a huge impact. I helped 2 people connect, which may result in a substantial partnership to help kids around the world. (thanks for the experience Manny!)
2. Sometimes God puts us thru what seem like horrible encounters with other Christians just so we can experience and understand Grace more fully. (thanks for the lesson Wayne!)
3. We are called to love, even when it hurts…in fact, we are called to put our very life above another’s. (thanks again, Wayne!)
4. Compassion cannot be taught if the heart is full of bitterness. (thanks mom!)
5. Nobody is too young to be used by God, if he or she is willing and teachable. (thanks for the lesson Michelle!)
6. Mighty things can be accomplished if we will just step out on faith and trust in the one who calls us. (thanks for the lesson James and Kurt!)
7. Teaching is a powerful responsibility that must be handled first with prayer and then with proper preparation. (thanks for the lesson 7th grade girls!)
8. It is wise to pray before all major meetings and we should not be ashamed or afraid to ask our Christian colleagues to join us. (thanks for the lesson John and Wayne!)
9. Work can be incredibly rewarding if you trust God and go where he leads. (thanks for the lesson WV!)
10. God will give you the strength you need to do His work, even when you feel completely weak. (thanks for the reminder HB)

It was a hard week since I am still pretty sick and lack energy.  I had a ton of stuff to do both at the office and at home with school and housework.  However, despite that, it was a rich and rewarding week as well.  Wonder what lessons next week will hold!?

A shoe story–we are blessed to be a blessing

I was blessed today and thrilled to catch yet another glimpse of how God works. 

Several weeks ago, I met Manny, the founder of Samaritan’s Feet, through my church and I invited him to speak at our World Vision chapel, which was today.  He shared his testimony with us and though I had heard it before, I was blessed again!  He has such a warm, caring heart and is a dynamic and engaging speaker.  I was pleased to see my colleagues respond so positively to what he said.  Clearly, God was working through him today.  Manny shared with us how he grew up a poor boy from Nigeria who did not own a pair of shoes until a missionary gave him a pair when he was 9 years old.  Now, nearly 27 years later, Manny runs a Christian NGO that distributes shoes and promotes the Gospel to children all over the world.  Shoes are critical since many childhood deaths are the result of diseases entering the body through bare feet.  Many needless childhood deaths could be prevented simply by giving a child a pair of shoes!!   Manny attributes the entire ministry to the obedience of one missionary who reached out to him as a child.  Manny, unfortunately, doesn’t even know the missionary’s name!  Manny’s testimony and ministry, however, form a powerful story of how God uses people, like the missionary and Manny himself, who are willing to be obedient.  The story offers a fine example of how we are blessed to be a blessing!

The best part of the day though came after Manny’s presentation.  Several Senior Managers met Manny and a conversation ensued about Samaritan’s Feet’s ministry needs.  Samartian’s Feet has received a request from people in Uganda to supply them with shoes for their local children.  The shoes have been collected but there has been no channel to get the shoes to Uganda and distributed once there.  The Senior Managers realized the need and were able to offer to Manny the potential of a partnership between our organization and his minsitry to get those shoes to the kids in Uganda!  I was deeply moved as I sat and watched the connections happen and the pieces fall in place, realizing that as a result of mutliple people being obedient, children half a world away now will not only have shoes for the first time but may, in fact, may have increased odds of reaching adulthood AND of knowing Christ!

What a blessing!

Why I hate fish–the TSA v Lesley Roth

Yesterday, I got to the Seattle airport at 6am only to be told immediately that I would most likely not make it to DC that day due to bad weather in my layover destination of Philidelphia.  Of course, chaos was ensuing at the US Airways terminal as everyone was panicking and trying to get on flights to get them back east.  My approach to weather delays is just to go with the flow.  There is really no point in getting upset over weather and yelling at some poor checkin agent who can’t change anything.  So, I accepted my fate and wished my check-in agent a good day as I proceed on through security, hoping for the best….

….and that is where things went south….

I decided to stop along the way to buy a small package of Pacific Salmon for a friend.  I stuffed the package into my backpack, thinking nothing of it.  I had the receipt ($25 and a date/time stamp) and trotted off through security.  I took out my laptop and put it in a bin, I plopped my shoes and backpack in a bin, and I breezed right through the personal scanner.  No problem.  Then insanity ensued.  The TSA agent suspended my backpack, claiming there was “contraband” in the bag.  For the life of me, I had no idea what could be the illegal item.  She pulled me back through the security gate while my laptop proceeded through the conveyor belt and sat unattended as people whizzed by.  This made me very nervous.  It would have been incredibly easy for someone just to pinch the laptop.  I explained that I really couldn’t imagine what would be the issue and asked her to look in the bag while I grabbed the laptop.  She began to argue with me telling me I needed to go through the bag myself and to leave my laptop alone.  So, I opened the bag, looked through it, and then shrugged my shoulders.  She grabbed the bag and pulled out the fish, waiving it in the air as if she had just found an ICD!  Now, this fish was packaged like the foil tuna packs and was clearly for sale across the isle from where we stood.  I explained that I just bought it and showed her the receipt, carefully pointing out the date/time stamp.  I explained that it was a gift for a friend and asked if I could retrieve my laptop.  She grew very upset, believing I was ”not taking the situation seriously.”  She said no to my request.  She then proceeded to scrutinize the fish in great detail.  At this point, I was getting very upset.  I had a raging fever and was concerned about the laptop being unattended.  I begged her to let me get the laptop.  She said no and continued to closely examine every seem on the packaging of the fish!  I asked her to just take the fish, throw it away, and let me grab the laptop.  She said no.  I was stunned…. and that’s where it happened….my stupid sarcasm chimed in and I said ……

“do you really think I stuffed a bomb in the fish in the last 3 minutes?” 

….Yup….there it was….my snarky comment hanging in the air….and the B word sitting between us.  There are some words you just never say in particular settings.  Bomb at an airport is a fine example!  So, it cost me a barefooted trip to the TSA “police station” to face the possibility of a getting arrested for making bomb threats.  Yup, no joke.  And the irony of it all was that the laptop still sat on the conveyor belt for anyone to take!!  25 minutes later, they finally came to their senses and let me out.  They kept the fish, I got the laptop…and we settled out of court. 

….Just goes to show you that nobody in their right mind should ever buy fish!!!! : )

30 Hour Famine–what’s your face story?

This weekend is the World Vision National 30 Hour Famine weekend.  This is an international youth-focused event designed to raise both awareness of and funds for hunger eradication around the globe.  I am in the Seattle office this week and the “Famine Team” is in full gear.  Today, Michelle from the Famine Team really made me think.  She shared her experiences in Peru where, as a 17 yr old, she was on a WV “experience trip” learning first hand about famine relief.  At the end of her trip, a young girl approached her and said to her “Remember me.  When you go home, tell them about me.”  Michelle said that this experience with the little girl changed her life and ever since then she has been fully committed to advocacy, awareness campaigning, and fund-raising for famine relief.  She asked “how can I not?”–”how could I go back home after seeing what I did and not honor that little girl’s request?”  It is years later and Michelle is still remembering that little girl and fulfilling that request.

Michelle said that ”Almost every one who works at World Vision has a face–a face they remember–a face who gives them the driving passion to do what it is they do.”  I have been haunted by this comment all day.  About a month ago, the WV Director from Afghanistan shared that a little girl’s face in a hunger line is what drives him to get up every morning, not knowing if he will be in a life or death situation.  He, a burly strong kind of guy, cried as he shared this aspect of what motivates him to do his job.  I thought of him as I listened to Michelle.

Then, I remembered my own “face”….a little girl I encountered when I myself was a little girl.  She was working as a prostitute in the red light district in Amsterdam.  She was a sex slave, caught in a horrible world that exploits children for profit.  Our eyes met for just a minute and I saw the hopelessness and desperation in her face.  I was too young to understand about human trafficking or child slavery at the time but it is her face that drives me in much of the work I do.  It is what made me passionate about combating the seedy world of identity theft/forgery in my last job and it is what makes me passionate now at WV.  I think about her a lot.  Like Michelle, I am committed to “remembering her” in all that I do.

So, what’s your face?  Do you have one?  As another woman so eloquently said today–if you don’t have a face–go get one.  Go out into the world and “let the things that break God’s heart, break yours”….experience compassion…look into the soul of another….find a face.  There are so many people living in hunger or oppression or poverty.  There are so many faces out there. 

Christ walked among all these people when he was here on Earth.  He looked into people’s faces and had his heart broken.  He commanded us to love each other.  Part of loving each other is remembering…telling the stories…never forgetting….remembering that face.  So, I challenge you today…think about the face of someone else less fortunate than you…remember them this weekend….and join us at WV in the 30 hour Famine…

Seattle! Day one.

Today has been absolutely amazing!  I love days like today.

First, my dad picked me up at 5:30am to drop me off at National.  I love starting off my day with a chat with my dad and a great hug.  I haven’t seen him as much lately so it was very much welcomed time.

Second, I had a terrific breakfast by myself at the airport.  I love airports.  I love to people watch and think about where everyone is heading to or coming from.  I love the shops.  I love the lounge areas.  I love everything about airports!  It was nice to hang out and talk with Dina, my waitress, as well.  She was great company this morning and made one mean cup of decaf!

Third, I had a terrific flight.  I had 5 hours of uninterrupted time and so I stuck my nose in my reader from the Perspectives class I am taking.  This is an amazing course that addresses God’s missional purpose but I haven’t felt focused.  I’ve been frustrated because I haven’t had the time to put into the course and therefore haven’t felt like I have been getting as much out of it as I know there is to get.  Today changed that. I had 5 hours straight to pour over the reading.  I absolutely loved it.  The timing was amazing too.  I read about William Carey and Hudson Taylor and about all the committed men and women who were so passionate about God that they did everything they could to proclaim His name to the nations.  I sat and reflected on God’s glory and how amazing it is in those moments when we experience sitting at the Lord’s feet and are surrounded by the warmth of His love.  You know you are small and insignificant in those moments but it is ok because you are in the presence of a benevolent and mighty King.  As my mind was filled with these thoughts the plane arrived over Seattle.  I nearly burst in tears at the absolute beauty outside my window!  The sun was incredibly bright as we descended and I saw Mt Rainer and Mt Hood standing like two white shining giants right before me.  Because of the snow pack and sunshine everything was white and gold against an the intense blue background of the sky.  It felt like God’s glory right outside my window.  I was mesmerized and just kept thinking how amazingly blessed I am.

Fourth, tonight I had a great meal out with a colleague as we prayed extensively for the work we have to do this week while on this trip.  We prayed for the lost world and those who are in need.  We asked God to show His glory throughout the nations and to bring revival.  We asked that as our week gets underway we remain focused on God’s work and not our own personal agendas–that we remain attuned to what it is He would have us do with our time and resources as we move ahead.  It felt great to be with my colleague as we enjoyed our time together, prepared for our days ahead, and just had fun in this great city.

It was a wonderful ending to an amazing day.

Handing out Tracks

When I was a teenager, I spent my summers handing out Bible tracks everywhere.  I did this most Saturdays as well.  My youth group and I went door to door through our neighborhoods.  We went to the malls.  We walked up and down the beaches in Ocean City and Rehaboth.  We gave out literature to anyone and everyone who would receive it.  Often, we were invited into homes to talk about our faith.  We would walk strangers through the Roman Road and explain God’s plan for salvation.  We would pray with them and promise them that we would follow up.  We always did too.

I remember some amazing conversations from that time.  However, what I remember the most was how just about everyone we encountered was struggling with the same things….almost everyone believed in some higher power but felt distant from this power and felt like there was no real point in trying to understand or grow closer.  Almost all were closed off to the idea of Jesus and wanted nothing to do with church.  The feeling I was left with was futility.  I could feel people’s hopelessness and it was sad to me.  Occasionally, we walked straight into someones personal drama…into loneliness or heartbreak or something in need of immediate attention.  You never know when you ring a stranger’s doorbell what you are going to find on the other side. 

I grew to hate these experiences.  Unfortunately, they became numbers counting–and competitive.  “How many people did you save today” became the question always asked when we got back to group…as if it were my job to save…and not God’s.  We studied “technique” and “effective ways to witness”.  It became a text book study to be mastered, not something genuine and from the heart.  I felt pressured to “reach” as many unbelievers as I could.  We were expected to go out and “witness”.  The church I grew up in was a church start and in need of membership.  I often wonder how much that played into our organized witnessing outings rather than being lead by the Holy Spirit.  Ironically, when I left church at 18, this witnessing experience was part of the reason why.  I had grown cynical and bitter toward the church, believing that it was no place to really address matters of the heart.

The other day I had to answer a question on an application for a missions trip regarding tracks.  I had to say whether I would be willing to hand out tracks in a foreign country or not.  I immediately bristled.  I quickly checked an emphatic NO.  I felt myself tense up and get angry.  It really bothered me.   Then, it bothered me that it bothered me.  I teach Sunday School, I work in ministry, I love to talk about spiritual matters.  I read my Bible daily and have an active prayer life.  Why was the thought of handing out tracks bothering me so much?

 Today I came across a young woman who only goes to church because she is forced to go by her parents. She hates it and resents being there.  I appreciated her honesty.  Normally, I only encounter at church people who love to be at church.  It through me off a bit to encounter an unbeliever in my midst!  It made me laugh at myself to realize my own reaction.  Have I, despite my commitment to and involvement in ministry, created an environment for myself where I rarely am challenged to explain my faith to unbelievers?  Can I still do it?  Can I still meet people where they are?  Can I still ring a doorbell and offer Christ no matter what or who I find on the other side?  I thought long and hard about this today.

When I first started giving out tracks as a kid, I loved it.  I carried with me the joy of sharing Christ no matter who I encountered.  I loved walking up to fisherman on the piers in Ocean City and telling them about Jesus.  I remember one wonderful evening, sitting and talking to a man about Jesus while he was reeling in baby sharks.  He gave me all his reasons for not believing but he listened openly while I gave him all mine for believing.  He didn’t change his mind but he thanked me none the less.  I remember joy that night…the joy in offering a gift, even if not fully accepted.  I loved those kinds of nights.  I loved being able to talk to people about their spiritual experiences and who they thought God was.  The tracks experience changed as my heart changed in response to the external demands put on me to reach some human-made quota.  It became about pleasing man rather than pleasing God.  I realized that today and it made me sort of sad.

I got home and took out the application.  I changed my response to the question.  Yes, I will do that, is my response again.  I doubt handing out tracks will ever be my favorite thing to do.  I doubt it will ever fill me with immense joy–I just don’t think I am wired that way–but I do think having the ability to share the love of Christ with a complete stranger–like the young woman today–and to step outside of my safe cocoon and offer freely to others the love of Christ…will.