Baby blues…

I had such a girl moment last night.  It happened at 8:30pm in the Target in Burke.  Now, this will scare the heck out of my guy friends but I suspect my single girlfriends can relate and understand. 

 I had a great day yesterday.  The weather was nice, work was good, commute decent–nothing bad to report…a pleasant day.  I stopped by Target to do some last minute shopping for an upcoming trip and was enjoying a Friday evening alone before the start of an insanely busy weekend. 

Friday night at Target reminds me of all the silly nights in college, wandering through the Salem Walmart with my best friends Cheryl and Carolyn because there was nothing else to do in the Roanoke area with out a car.  Anyway…so, I wandered the isles of Target picking up things I needed…and then it hit me.  I found myself wondering up and down the baby isles…mindlessly looking at baby diapers, baby bottles, and all the crazy baby paraphernalia such as car streets and strollers.  Somewhere between car seats and strollers it hit me.  A wave of sadness washed over me and for the first time in a very long time I felt a deep and profound loss for not yet having kids. 

Now, I have never been super set on producing babies.  I love kids and would be thrilled to have a gaggle myself but only if I meet the right man and since I haven’t yet, I’ve sort of buried those dreams and moved on.  I get my mommy kicks through working in the church nursery now and then, loving my Godkids, or investing heavily in the lives of my 7th grade girl’s Sunday School class.  But–there in Target, I felt a flash of all my life choices before me…choices I don’t really regret…but choices that now mean I am single and without a family of my own.  Choices that mean I haven’t stood in the baby isle with my husband trying to decide if the huggies or the pampers are the best choice and whether we will forever harm our child if we don’t use product x instead of product y.  I haven’t been tickled to select the perfect pair of little baby booties for my own kiddo…or felt the tender moment where an innocent little human being looks with full trust in your eyes and says…mommy.

I recalled the conversations I had in my early 20s with my ex-fiance about us having children together and then felt thankful that our engagement ended and we did not have children.  Though he was a good man, he was not “the one.”  I recalled all the trips I’ve been on and extended times away from home over the years and how much fun I had but how it put strains on relationships and friendships. I know I took the path God had for me, even if it was hard at some points and even though it had its costs.  I recalled my friends and their kids…how you go through these waves where the first 2 years out of college everyone gets married and then about 2 years later everyone has their first baby, then about 2 years later, the second round of kids…it just seems to be the way life works…for most.  I loved every wedding I went to, was thrilled at every baby shower, and have relished every moment I have had to play with and love my friend’s kids. I missed a lot of those events from being away…out of the country or out of town…but I was thrilled for them none the less.  I was happy for me and thrilled for them.   So, to find myself suddenly a tad bit jealous there in the isle in Target was a bit much for me.  I am not typically the jealous sort and I would never begrudge anyone their joy!  Those mixed emotions compounded my sadness last night.

So…I came home and had a good cry.  I told God my heart last night.  I thanked him for my life…the adventure and fun…the men I have met along the way who have meant a lot to me but alas I have never married.  I thanked Him for the things He has taught me–about myself, our world, and others–and for growing me into the woman He wanted me to be (still growing btw).  Most of all though, I thanked Him for the children in the world and His sovreignity in his perfect plan for each of us.  I don’t know if that plan of His includes children for me or not.  I hope but as time ticks on…I have no way to know.  I do know and trust though that God hears my prayers, He knows my heart, and He will tend to my every need.  He has surrounded me with beautiful children to know and love everywhere I look.  He even put me working in a children’s ministry where I can quite literally devote my every day to “making the world a better place for children.”  I am always amazed how loving and good our God is…and how He steps along side…even in the moments of sadness that creep in on a Friday night at a Target in the middle of Burke.

The Waiting Game

I am an impatient person.  I like getting my own way on my own time.  I am a doer and I like to get things done.  I hate being told to wait. 

This summer it is very clear that I am being taught the great lesson of “wait.” –Wait for me.  Wait on me.  Wait with me.  Wait here.  Wait there.  Wait.  Goodness, it is enough to make my heart grow faint.  I struggle to know what God could possibly be up to with this waiting game.  I’m ready.  I want to get on with things.  I think I know the way.  I think I know how to plow through.  I’ve got my “to do list” and I’m itchin’ to “getter done.” But wait is all I hear.

2 Peter 2:8 says “But you must not forget, dear friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day.”  I’m reminded that God’s timing is just different.  He doesn’t work on our clocks and my Seiko isn’t of much use when dealing with spiritual matters.  I can plead my case, explain how prepared I think I am, tell Him how I think things should go and with whom…I can demand my way, beg…but it doesn’t budge God.  His ticker is beating to a different rhythm.  My job is to align my will to his clock….and wait patiently for the big hand to strike the hour.

It’s funny how much there is to learn in restraining your will to be still when it wants to run wild.  Love, patience, self control-hmmm…sounds like Galatians 5 stuff to me…the fruit of the spirit and all.  As I write that, I am reminded that we, in our own strength, don’t grow the fruit–we are given it freely as a gift to those who seek it.  Another lesson that…seek God in the waiting and he will give you much fruit to bear.  Oh this refining stuff is hard….but there is comfort that He gives freely all that we need to get through it.

More than anything in my life I want to bring God glory.  I want to be used…poured out…known for a life of love.  I have my dreams and visions of what that might look like…my desires to press ahead and get on with it all…but God gives the marching orders and right now He is silent.  My heart races with anticipation….pants like the Shulamite woman in the Song of Solomon who longs for her desire to be realized…no wonder Solomon offers the admonition not to awake desire before its time.  We must learn to wait.

So…I get back on my knees and beg and plead and prod and poke…and realize that no matter how I feel I can stand behind the Truth that God is good.  He hears my prayers.  He knows what’s best.  And…I must wait.