Trust

I struggle with trusting God.  I want to trust but it doesn’t come easily.  I hold on to my fears with a white- knuckled tight grip, often wondering what life would be like if I could just let go and live in full knowledge that I have the complete authority of Christ as explained repeatedly in Acts and elsewhere in the New Testament.  What would my life look like if I were to live like I truly believed what God says?  What would it look like for me to live boldly and to trust that all my needs would be met?

Would I take greater risks?  Would I sieze more opportunities?  Would I love more fully?  Would I speak more freely?  Would I worry less about propriety and “the rules” and how the world says I should behave?  Would I be less hurt, less offended, less affected by others?  Would I be able to wait on God’s timing without anxiety?

God tells us that “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25).  I see such truth in this.  All my own fears are my own snares.  I trip myself up with them, limiting what I can do with my life and how I can serve God and others.  I often feel like a horse that needs blinders to be reluctantly lead through a path that instills fear–block out the noise, follow the lead, and you will be just fine–I hear God say.

I am reminded what we can do when we trust–when we choose to act with faith.  In Matthew 14: 23-33 we read “And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”  Peter could literally walk on water when he was so connected to Christ and trusted with unwaivering faith.  However, the moment Peter looked around and saw the absurdity of his actions from the world’s point of view and thought about all the things that could go wrong, he stumbled.  How like Peter I am!

God tells us in Psalm 37:3-6 to:

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

We are to dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Dwell.  Spend time there.  Take up residence.  Be friends with faithfulness.  Peter could walk on water when he did that!  God says to delightin the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart.  Delight!  Not worry or panic or look around while we are out on the water and freak out because the wind is blowing!  Delight!  He WILL give us the desires of our heart.  If we want to walk on that water–He will cease the winds for us!  How amazing is that?  God says to Commit your ways to the Lord.  That implies choice.  Commit.  Make the decision to trust and comit.  Then what?  Trust in Him and He will act.  Wow.  Trust in Him and then HE will act.  It isn’t my actions.  I don’t have to stop the winds.  I just have to trust…that’s all that is required.  To make a choice.  Then, He will act.  The God of the universe, the creator of all things, the One who existed before and will exist after time–will act.  Imagine that!  The full authority of this amazing God will act–if I just trust.

The Gift

Exhausted.  That’s how I feel almost every moment of every day lately.  Just beat.  Not from lack of sleep but from being sick.  It is irritating.  I am not very good at sitting still and loafing around.  There’s just too much living to do!  And being sick in Spring is just harsh…but alas…I am learning there are so many lessons in this bout of mono…lessons I never thought I would ever experience…lessons I am extremely grateful to learn.

Just a few weeks ago, I thought I had cancer.  I was pretty scared.  I felt like crap.  I was too busy to think much about things.  I got myself close to mental and physical collapse.  But…God was so incredibly good through it all.  I think that experience was one the deepest spiritual times of my life.

I had to go out to Seattle for work the days right before my biopsy.  I took an extra bit of time while out there to just get out alone, reflect, pray, and think through my life.  I was in need of deep soul refreshment and God was faithful.  He filled my heart and mind with so many beautiful verses and reminded me of His unfailing love in the most intimate ways.  God is such an incredible poet…and artist…and friend.  I sat out alone on a log, overlooking a beautiful moody bay.  The sun was peaking through an intense blue sky and snow fell quietly around me at times.  There, I just cried.  I poured my heart out, telling God that I didn’t understand why cancer…why now…what was it for…what purpose was it to serve…and what lesson was I to learn.  I just heard God so gently say…stop spinning your wheels…stop striving…stop being so attached to your work, your schedule, your dreams, your goals, this world…and rest in me.  I can’t explain it…I truly can’t…but it was the most peaceful assurance I have ever had in my life that I know exactly where I am going when I die.  As I sat there on that log contemplating the potential of my own death…I had peace.  That alone is the victory Christ offers…and I just feel so grateful for the gift.