12 GREAT things about today!

1. A high-five from one of my 7th grade girls as she shouts “I get it, Miss Lesley!” (and knowing that she does!)
2. Being pounced on by some of my girls as they ambushed me with hugs.
3. Spending almost the entire day with one of my best friends.
4. Walking through a beautiful neighborhood, enjoying the cherry blossoms.
5. Enjoying spring gardens coming into bloom.
6. Chit-chatting with little entrepreneurs selling Lemonade at street corners.
7. An impulsive move to drop by Frontline Tyson’s tonight.
8. Singing Jeremy Camp’s Wonderful Maker at the top of my lungs in a room full of fellow worshipers.
9. An amazing word from a HOT preacher man tonight. 
10. Seeing 16 people get baptized today!!
11. Soaking in a hot bubble bath, putting on my favorite jammies, and slipping into bed before 10pm for a change!
12. Going to bed tonight knowing I am truly blessed!

Such peace!

Today was an absolutely amazing day.  I am so incredibly blessed.

I got my midterm grades back today.  I got an A on both exams.  This is extremely significant to me because I believe these grades are a “God thing.”  The week of midterms was an exceptionally hard one for me.  The exams themselves were not too hard but I could not focus and was extremely busy with exams, regular school work, capstone work, perspectives homework, social committments, and my job.  The stress and anxiety of an over-committed schedule caught up with me that week and I froze.  It was so bad that I was wondering if I was self-sabotaging.  I cried out to God about it all week.  I had no energy to study.  I had pulled 2 all nighters and worked a 50hr work week.  I was fed up with the amount of work in front of me and dead tired. I reminded God that I had acted out of obedience in pursuing this degree since it was His idea and I needed His help to see it through.  I pleaded with Him not to leave me hanging this late into the program.  It is too late to fail out now!  I shared with Him my bitterness in missing my weekends and my strong desire just to forget my obligations and go play!  Then, suddenly out of nowhere I got this huge burst of energy!  I woke up in the middle of the night, jumped on the computer, and banged out both exams within a few hours.  I felt at complete peace once I was done.  I felt assured that I only have a few more weeks left and will never again be asked to go through this same kind of intense labor.  I might have to work hard again and forfeit play–but not in this same way again.  After finishing the exams in the wee hours of the morning, I was convinced that God had given me the energy and the words to complete the exams.  It felt amazing to get the 2 As handed back to me today!  God is, indeed, faithful and I know He heard and honored my prayer.  My As were my rainbow.

I also had a wonderful conversation with my mom tonight about something important to me regarding my future.  It is hard for me to talk about it with her but tonight I was bold and I had such a wave of peace come over me about it that I just knew in my heart that it was right.  I know God has been wanting me to have this conversation for a long, long time.  Since Labor Day, he put a particular relationship and several key experiences in my path to prepare me for this particular conversation.  I can see very clearly every detail He worked out to help me bold… and I believe God honored the conversation today by giving both my mom and me peace about it.  I felt so incredibly free at the end.

Tonight, I met friends from my last job for dinner.  It was fantastic to see them.  I loved catching up on their lives and reliving old times.  However, I also just felt so glad to have moved on with my new job!  I felt so blessed!!  It was incredibly hard for me to leave my old job.  Giving up the comfort, security, friends–all of that was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  For me, it was a huge step of faith to trust God to totally reorder my priorities, my direction, my goals–my life.  It wasn’t changing jobs that was the issue.  It was the decision to for complete surrender–in a way I had never yet experienced.  Sitting there tonight, I had such incredible peace..and not just peace…but sheer JOY at my decision.  I can honestly say I have not a single regret.  I miss nothing.  I am so excited about my new path and where I know God is leading.  Sure, the money and the comfort of my old job is attractive but it pales in comparison to what is offered to me now.  Something happens to you inside when you walk away from what the world offers and you consciously choose what Christ offers.  There is something so freeing to know inside with full certainty now that I can’t be bought.  I am not a slave to money or ambition or climbing the corporate ladder.  I am not perfect, I don’t mean that at all, but tonight when I saw the 2 choices in front of me again with a bit of experience of both…I know that hands down, for me, I picked the right one.   –and what peace there is in knowing that!  God is faithful, indeed.

What a great day!!!

Betrayed!

Today I heard several stories that broke my heart–all having to do with failed friendships, loss of relationship, struggles with forgiveness, and an unsettling desire to simply be able to forget and move on.  I was impressed today by how often we either knowingly or unwittingly betray one another–we all do it–in big and small ways every day.  We don’t call back when we say we will.  We don’t offer the kind word when we know it is needed.   We tease when we know we shouldn’t.  We just walk away sometimes with no explanation whatsoever.  It is no wonder that so many people, myself included, have such a hard time trusting one another.  It is no wonder we can be so reluctant to open up and share life with each other.  We can play safe games with ourselves where we keep people at arms length or a relationship at a superficial level, refusing to go deeper because to be known is to be vulnerable and we deem it not worth the risk.  

I hated hearing the ambivalence in a friend’s voice today as she tried hard in her pride to deny that she still cares deeply about a friend who betrayed her many years ago.  My friend’s friend needs her now but my friend is struggling to forgive.  It is easier to pretend the need isn’t there–the need of her friend and the need to forgive.  We hide behind our pride in a vain attempt at self-protection.  Our pride puts up a wall that says “nope you hurt me once.  I won’t be hurt by you again.”  I, myself, have struggled with having to forgive betrayals and working through my own pride.  Just as my friend has to do in her situation, I, too, have to work through the bitterness and the heart break of what seems like entirely undeserved rejections at times.  Unfortunately, it is part of life…and life is just simply messy.  We have a choice in this–we can develop firm walls and not take risks–or look to Christ and seek His answers for our pain.

For the past 2 weeks, my devotion at work and at home has centered around the disciples’ behavior that night in Gethsemane.  It seems ironic now–given these thoughts of “friendship” I am having today.  Jesus had spent 3 yrs with the disciples–loving them, giving his heart to them, investing in them, bonding with them.  They lived life together–broke bread, traveled, slept, worked, laughed, and cried together.  They were intimate, close friends.  They were Jesus’ inner circle–the people He counted on to be there for Him through thick and thin.  Yet, on the night that He was in the most distress–the night He knew He was preparing for His own death–this crew, this group of friends–fell asleep on Him–not once but 3 times.  As Jesus fell face down in the garden, crying out to God to take away the pain and the approaching hideous death He was to face, His friends slept.  Imagine the betrayal.  No explanation.  Nothing.  They just simply were not there for Him. 

I hate this story.  Every time I read it, I feel outraged for Jesus.  I feel hurt.  I want to scream at these guys and say “men, your friend is in there in anguish–how dare you sleep!  Do you not claim to love him!?”  and yet I am no different than one of these who sleep.  I do stupid, selfish, inexplicable things all the time…things for which, I, too, need forgiveness. I figure that if Jesus, himself, had to experience this kind of let down from a friend…then who am I to think that I can escape it as well?  Betrayal, disappointment, unexplicable behavior from others we care about is all just part of life.  I find comfort in Christ’s words though when He says….”Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do.”  I suppose that is the lesson for us all in this.  We are commanded to love one another…no matter what…there are no loopholes in that, no escape clauses, no conditions.  We can’t say except when they betray us, except when they aren’t there for us, except when they don’t call or write back like we hoped or expected they would, except when they leave us alone in a time of our greatest need and offer us no explanation at all.  Nope.  We are simply and completely to love one another…as we love ourselves.  We are to hope for and think the best of each other at all times.  For me, the only way any of that makes sense…is in Christ’s words there at the cross…”Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do….”

A wonderful day

Today was just wonderful.  I enjoyed every minute.  Nothing really special happened…it was just a good day. 

Here are some highlights:

• Having about an hour quiet time this morning to study God’s Word and pray before starting my day.
• Feeling complete peace and assurance about a situation in my life where I know God is telling me to “wait” and learn even more about Him in the process.  Oh that trust thing!!  It can just be so hard, sometimes! : )
• Feeling fully confidant that no matter what the biopsy finds, I am ok because God is in control and my life is in his hands. 
• Finding a parking space at the train station, even though I was running late.
• The train ride in that gave me the time to write in my journal and read in my Perspectives reader.
• Reading about “global people” and cultural integration in the Perspectives essays.
• Seeing my boss and colleague who are just now back from Cyprus and for the opportunity to learn about Cyprus from them. 
• The opportunity to pray for the Greeks and Turks in Cyprus as well as the UN Security forces, the World Vision staff, and the people they serve–as well as for the negotiations.
• The opportunity to talk with our Azerbaijan Baku office and discuss the possibility of a visit in June.
• The opportunity to pray for our World Vision Baku staff–that they might be a light in the darkness and a voice of the Son.
• The blessing of attending Frontline Arlington by myself tonight and being with other believers who chose to worship the Lord on a Monday night after work.
• The new people I met tonight at Frontline and our nice conversation.
• Realizing yet again, how blessed I am to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, and not just a job, but one I love!  Not everyone can say those things–I am very thankful that at in this place and time, I can.

It was a wonderful day.

Judas at Easter Week

Judas.  What comes to mind when you hear that name?  Betrayal?  The killing of Jesus?  A special place in Hell?

Yesterday we had a Pastor deliver our chapel message at work.  She talked about Judas and pointed out the events of this week in history–how Christ suffered during this week–enduring not only unfathomable physical and emotional pain but spiritual pain as well as literally everyone He knew, including God, turned their backs on him while He, entirely blameless,  hung on a cross and died for our sins.  We remember Judas as the one who betrayed Christ.  However, it wasn’t just Judas who did this, everyone did.  And we all do now.  Just as the throngs of people cheering for Jesus and waving Palms when he rode in through the city gates turned on him during those last hours, so do we when we profess our love and then waiver in our faith, our commitment, our obedience, and our love.  We, too, out of fear or greed or whatever the case may be, turn our backs on the single person who loved us enough to die a hideous death alone just for us.

This Pastor reminded us that once Judas had committed his act of betrayal, he was overcome with grief and tried to return the money he received for selling Christ out.  However, the officials wouldn’t take the money back.  What was done was done.  Judas, in his shame and guilt and seeing no other way out, killed himself.  This Pastor said she wished Judas had just stuck around a few more days–hung in there just a few more hours–to see what would happen next.  He would have seen that Jesus forgave everyone….everyone…all those who doubted Him, He forgave.  Those who denied Him, He forgave.  Each one He, in complete Grace and tender Mercy, restored to right relationship with Hm.  We have to believe had Judas just held on a few days more that Christ would have forgiven and restored him too.

There are people in life that can’t see their way out of their current situations and as a result make a dire decision…act rashly…perhaps end it all.  We find it impossible to believe that Grace can extend to us…that someone could forgive us…or love us, despite all we have done.  We find it beyond hope that a relationship can be mended or set right again.  So we walk away.  We turn our backs. We harden our hearts.  We break ties.  We give up.  We may even kill ourselves. 

In college, my friend’s little brother shot himself in the head after he and a friend snuck into their father’s gun cabinet and were playing with a shotgun.  My friend’s brother was pointing a gun at his best friend when it went off, shooting his best friend in the chest at point blank range and killing him immediately.  Overcome with grief, my friend’s brother wrote a note to explain what happened.  He said he could not live with what he had done.  He took his own life.  My friend came home to find the two boys dead on the living room floor.  It rocked our world for quite some time.  Guilt is a powerful thing.  Emotions are intense.  We can’t see our way out.  We do stupid things.  However, even in those the horrible trenches of sorting out our own actions, Grace steps in–if we allow it–if we make room.  God says in Deuteronomy 30:19 I put before you life and death…choose life. 

What would we the world be like now had Judas made that choice?

The blessing of Easter is that we have that choice…to be restored…forgiven…made right and new…through Christ’s blood that He chose to shed for us…no matter what we have done.  And praise God for that!

A.W. Tozer’s “The Saint Must Walk Alone”

God never ceases to amaze me.   I am always humbled by how present God is just when we think He isn’t.

I’ve been feeling restless lately and rather disenchanted with my church.  I’ve also felt very alone–not lonely–just alone.  I’ve felt like things seem too “safe” and that a sense of shallowness, superficiality, or comfort pervades.  Lately, I’ve been in a spot where I’ve been longing for a Radical faith–a faith that is bold and courageous–the type of faith that Peter, Stephen, Paul, and Barnabas each had as described in Acts.  I’ve longed for the kind of relationships that existed between Priscilla, Aquila, and Apollos as Priscilla and Aquila extended hospitality to and invested in teaching, Apollos, their friend.  I’ve longed for others to join in the desire to know Christ and make Him known.  To me, the church I see before me has felt dead…missing that New Testament passion.   I’ve struggled with these feelings–not wanting to be judgmental, arrogant, or overly harsh.

It all seems ironic to me too now because for the past year, I have been praying fervently for God to make me bold, to give me courage, to help me live out my call.  I’ve felt so afraid and so timid for so long.  For a variety of reasons for a good chunk of time, I haven’t been willing or able to truly follow Christ wherever He leads…though I have heard him calling.  Now, as I wrestle with my own inner desire to burst out of the confines of a “too safe” religiosity, I laugh–seeing how God has answered my prayers after all!

Today, I see that God has been walking through these recent feelings with me and that is such a wonderful thing to observe and know.  I ran an errand this afternoon to the local Christian bookstore to pick up a gift for a friend.  A copy of AW Tozer’s Radical Cross caught my eye.  I bought it, came home, and plunked down to read for a bit.  I was gripped.  Tozer’s essay, “The Saint Must Walk Alone” felt like God’s explanation to me of what I am feeling and going through right now.  What an amazing gift.  It made sense of the shallowness I think I see.  It made sense of that alone feeling and gave me perspective on what it means.  He explained, what I already knew, how valuable are friends who are willing to live radically in the name of Christ and walk on the edge with you as well.  Those are very few and far between.  Tozer was a direct, blunt man but dead on in many ways.  I’m thankful that his book caught my eye today.  What a friend he is in a time of need.  Because of him and how God used him today, I can be more patient with the church and yet still move boldly ahead on my own.

Unrequitted love…

“May my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God” is what Bob Pierce, World Vision founder, scribbled in his bible while on a trip through South Korea in 1950, right before the Korean war ensued.  His words capture me, a stranger, all these years later.  Bob was struck by all the struggles people face in the world–injustice, poverty, famine, war.  He heard what the Bible calls the “groans” of the Earth and set out to join God in that redemptive plan.

When I think of Bob’s words today, though, I think about a situation much closer to home for me.  A few years ago, I was struggling quite a bit over a terrible act of sin I became aware of in someone I loved.  My heart was completely broken…not because I had “caught” this person in sin or because I felt let down but because I cared deeply for my friend and I knew that this sin was causing a deep alienation from God, whom I know he loved.  I was miserable over this…my heart truly was broken as I sat helpless, watching all the horrible fall out from my friend’s sin–loss of job, reputation, family, friends.  I knew the only thing that would help my friend was getting right with God but I feared that my friend would not trust that he could receive God’s forgivness and that nothing was beyond God’s throne of Grace.  I was filled with worry and concern for him as I saw him move further away from the only One who could truly help him.

As I cried to a sister in Christ about this, she very tenderly said, “Lesley, just imagine…what you feel now is not even a hint of what God feels over this–His heart is broken too.”  Wow!  What amazing words my sister offered to me.  Up until then, I had never really thought about God being heart broken over sin quite like that.  I don’t know why–I guess because I always focused on God’s strength and not so much on his tenderness.  My friend’s words really hit me.  I felt so incredibly humbled and in awe to imagine that God loved us like that…loved us that much…I pictured God actually crying over the loss of relationship with my friend and felt a sense of a private grief between God and him.  It truly changed the way I view God and the way I view sin.

I don’t know what ever happened to my friend.  His shame over his conduct drove a wedge in his relationships.  He left our church and broke contact with everyone I know.  Perhaps he has found a church somewhere else.  I pray that continually for him.  I pray that he will accept and know God’s unfailing love…and that he, too, can approach the Mercy seat…no matter what he has done.  I pray that someday he will realize that I do still love and miss him too.  I pray for restored relationship with me but more importantly with God.  If you read this, friend, know that all this is true.  I still care and I still miss you.

It is amazing to me to think that God looks at us, His children, and when He sees poor conduct in us, He weeps.  It amazes me to think that He is heart broken and enraged when He sees the injustices, the oppression, the poverty, and all the horrible things many must endure.  Bob was right–we should pray that our hearts be broken by the things that break the heart of God.  For our God longs to be known by us–He longs to end the unrequitted love.

10 things I learned this week

This week was a wild week.  Here are some of the things I learned:

1. An introduction costs little but can have a huge impact. I helped 2 people connect, which may result in a substantial partnership to help kids around the world. (thanks for the experience Manny!)
2. Sometimes God puts us thru what seem like horrible encounters with other Christians just so we can experience and understand Grace more fully. (thanks for the lesson Wayne!)
3. We are called to love, even when it hurts…in fact, we are called to put our very life above another’s. (thanks again, Wayne!)
4. Compassion cannot be taught if the heart is full of bitterness. (thanks mom!)
5. Nobody is too young to be used by God, if he or she is willing and teachable. (thanks for the lesson Michelle!)
6. Mighty things can be accomplished if we will just step out on faith and trust in the one who calls us. (thanks for the lesson James and Kurt!)
7. Teaching is a powerful responsibility that must be handled first with prayer and then with proper preparation. (thanks for the lesson 7th grade girls!)
8. It is wise to pray before all major meetings and we should not be ashamed or afraid to ask our Christian colleagues to join us. (thanks for the lesson John and Wayne!)
9. Work can be incredibly rewarding if you trust God and go where he leads. (thanks for the lesson WV!)
10. God will give you the strength you need to do His work, even when you feel completely weak. (thanks for the reminder HB)

It was a hard week since I am still pretty sick and lack energy.  I had a ton of stuff to do both at the office and at home with school and housework.  However, despite that, it was a rich and rewarding week as well.  Wonder what lessons next week will hold!?