No Good Thing Does He Withhold

For the past year, a close friend and I have chosen to focus on God’s Word found in Psalm 84:11, which says, “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”  For over a year now, we have chosen to get together to discuss this single verse and the lessons God has taught us through it.  During this year, I have come to see just how fully power-packed God’s Word truly is.  Week by week, God has shown me fresh insight into this single verse alone.

We selected this verse because I was struggling with an unanswered prayer.  There is a situation in my life that brings me to my knees almost hourly.  I long for this situation to be resolved.  I cry, I rant, I throw tantrums, I demand my way, I beg, I plead, I press my case.  I often feel like all of that goes unheard.  But then, mysteriously and miracously something happens, something changes–I change?  I’m not entirely sure.  I just see that even though I deeply desire to know the end of the story NOW, God only gives me tiny pieces that force me to keep walking in faith…following Him as He leads…trusting, even when it hurts, loving, even when my heart gets resentful or bitter…forcing me to get really honest and just turn all of that emotion over to Him.  I believe I truly desire God’s glory in this situation above all else and I constantly struggle to yield my will to His, pleading with God to change the desires of my heart if my desire is not His.  Conform me to your image, Oh Lord, is often my prayer….but desire never changes, in fact, it only grows…and I do not understand why God waits.

So, this verse came about when God gave the verse to my friend as we were talking.  I had told her my situation and poured out my heart to her.  She blurted out “No good thing does He withhold….”  I think I rolled my eyes the first time she said it.  It sounded like such a “church” answer to my bitter heart and was not something I really wanted to hear.  However, when we left and I was alone, I started to let it sink in.  No good thing does He withhold.  Does this mean what I want is not a good thing?  Hmmm.  Wow!  Our Lord is omnipotent and loving.  I know that without doubt.  I am not omnipotent and I am not always loving so how can I fully know a good thing when I see it?  Might the creator of the universe have a bit more insight into a good thing than I do?  Humbling.  Then, the second part kicked in…who walks uprightly.  Oh, ouch!  There is a condition on that good thing!!  I am expected to walk uprightly!  Hmmm.  So, if it is a good thing and it is being withheld, does that mean my walk is not upright?  David’s Words pour over me–search me oh, Lord!–and Proverbs–the heart is deceiptful!–how then can I even say I know myself or my own heart!?  What a mess!  I realize that I cannot even know a good thing, I don’t know myself, and I cannot trust my heart!  and here I think I know what I want and what is best for me!?  Dear GOD!  I cry in utter frustration at my own lack of control and knowledge.  I resent my own utter dependence.  And then I am smacked with the first part of the verse–for the Lord God is a sun and a shield.  Wow!  He doesn’t just leave me in my defenseless, messed up state!  He doesn’t humble me to leave me low.  He doesn’t point out my weakness to leave me broken.  He is a sun and a shield!  I can stand behind him for light and protection when the world seems so dark and I feel so incredibly vulnerable!  Amazing! 

And then…as I wipe away the tears and sniffle my way through this experience…I realize the power in the words “the Lord gives grace and glory.”  ….wow…He gives grace…He gives…freely and wholey…what?  Grace.  He gives grace.  His grace is sufficient.  and not only grace but what?  glory.  My goodness.  He gives us glory.  Suddenly, all the bitterness, resentment, fear at my own vulnerability, anger in not getting my way…all of it washes away…and I stand behind my Lord–who is a sun and a shield and who gives me grace and glory…and I continue to wait on Him for my good thing!  I am still waiting…but I am trusting…and putting my full faith in His power packed Word. 

Baby blues…

I had such a girl moment last night.  It happened at 8:30pm in the Target in Burke.  Now, this will scare the heck out of my guy friends but I suspect my single girlfriends can relate and understand. 

 I had a great day yesterday.  The weather was nice, work was good, commute decent–nothing bad to report…a pleasant day.  I stopped by Target to do some last minute shopping for an upcoming trip and was enjoying a Friday evening alone before the start of an insanely busy weekend. 

Friday night at Target reminds me of all the silly nights in college, wandering through the Salem Walmart with my best friends Cheryl and Carolyn because there was nothing else to do in the Roanoke area with out a car.  Anyway…so, I wandered the isles of Target picking up things I needed…and then it hit me.  I found myself wondering up and down the baby isles…mindlessly looking at baby diapers, baby bottles, and all the crazy baby paraphernalia such as car streets and strollers.  Somewhere between car seats and strollers it hit me.  A wave of sadness washed over me and for the first time in a very long time I felt a deep and profound loss for not yet having kids. 

Now, I have never been super set on producing babies.  I love kids and would be thrilled to have a gaggle myself but only if I meet the right man and since I haven’t yet, I’ve sort of buried those dreams and moved on.  I get my mommy kicks through working in the church nursery now and then, loving my Godkids, or investing heavily in the lives of my 7th grade girl’s Sunday School class.  But–there in Target, I felt a flash of all my life choices before me…choices I don’t really regret…but choices that now mean I am single and without a family of my own.  Choices that mean I haven’t stood in the baby isle with my husband trying to decide if the huggies or the pampers are the best choice and whether we will forever harm our child if we don’t use product x instead of product y.  I haven’t been tickled to select the perfect pair of little baby booties for my own kiddo…or felt the tender moment where an innocent little human being looks with full trust in your eyes and says…mommy.

I recalled the conversations I had in my early 20s with my ex-fiance about us having children together and then felt thankful that our engagement ended and we did not have children.  Though he was a good man, he was not “the one.”  I recalled all the trips I’ve been on and extended times away from home over the years and how much fun I had but how it put strains on relationships and friendships. I know I took the path God had for me, even if it was hard at some points and even though it had its costs.  I recalled my friends and their kids…how you go through these waves where the first 2 years out of college everyone gets married and then about 2 years later everyone has their first baby, then about 2 years later, the second round of kids…it just seems to be the way life works…for most.  I loved every wedding I went to, was thrilled at every baby shower, and have relished every moment I have had to play with and love my friend’s kids. I missed a lot of those events from being away…out of the country or out of town…but I was thrilled for them none the less.  I was happy for me and thrilled for them.   So, to find myself suddenly a tad bit jealous there in the isle in Target was a bit much for me.  I am not typically the jealous sort and I would never begrudge anyone their joy!  Those mixed emotions compounded my sadness last night.

So…I came home and had a good cry.  I told God my heart last night.  I thanked him for my life…the adventure and fun…the men I have met along the way who have meant a lot to me but alas I have never married.  I thanked Him for the things He has taught me–about myself, our world, and others–and for growing me into the woman He wanted me to be (still growing btw).  Most of all though, I thanked Him for the children in the world and His sovreignity in his perfect plan for each of us.  I don’t know if that plan of His includes children for me or not.  I hope but as time ticks on…I have no way to know.  I do know and trust though that God hears my prayers, He knows my heart, and He will tend to my every need.  He has surrounded me with beautiful children to know and love everywhere I look.  He even put me working in a children’s ministry where I can quite literally devote my every day to “making the world a better place for children.”  I am always amazed how loving and good our God is…and how He steps along side…even in the moments of sadness that creep in on a Friday night at a Target in the middle of Burke.

The Waiting Game

I am an impatient person.  I like getting my own way on my own time.  I am a doer and I like to get things done.  I hate being told to wait. 

This summer it is very clear that I am being taught the great lesson of “wait.” –Wait for me.  Wait on me.  Wait with me.  Wait here.  Wait there.  Wait.  Goodness, it is enough to make my heart grow faint.  I struggle to know what God could possibly be up to with this waiting game.  I’m ready.  I want to get on with things.  I think I know the way.  I think I know how to plow through.  I’ve got my “to do list” and I’m itchin’ to “getter done.” But wait is all I hear.

2 Peter 2:8 says “But you must not forget, dear friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day.”  I’m reminded that God’s timing is just different.  He doesn’t work on our clocks and my Seiko isn’t of much use when dealing with spiritual matters.  I can plead my case, explain how prepared I think I am, tell Him how I think things should go and with whom…I can demand my way, beg…but it doesn’t budge God.  His ticker is beating to a different rhythm.  My job is to align my will to his clock….and wait patiently for the big hand to strike the hour.

It’s funny how much there is to learn in restraining your will to be still when it wants to run wild.  Love, patience, self control-hmmm…sounds like Galatians 5 stuff to me…the fruit of the spirit and all.  As I write that, I am reminded that we, in our own strength, don’t grow the fruit–we are given it freely as a gift to those who seek it.  Another lesson that…seek God in the waiting and he will give you much fruit to bear.  Oh this refining stuff is hard….but there is comfort that He gives freely all that we need to get through it.

More than anything in my life I want to bring God glory.  I want to be used…poured out…known for a life of love.  I have my dreams and visions of what that might look like…my desires to press ahead and get on with it all…but God gives the marching orders and right now He is silent.  My heart races with anticipation….pants like the Shulamite woman in the Song of Solomon who longs for her desire to be realized…no wonder Solomon offers the admonition not to awake desire before its time.  We must learn to wait.

So…I get back on my knees and beg and plead and prod and poke…and realize that no matter how I feel I can stand behind the Truth that God is good.  He hears my prayers.  He knows what’s best.  And…I must wait.

Trust

I struggle with trusting God.  I want to trust but it doesn’t come easily.  I hold on to my fears with a white- knuckled tight grip, often wondering what life would be like if I could just let go and live in full knowledge that I have the complete authority of Christ as explained repeatedly in Acts and elsewhere in the New Testament.  What would my life look like if I were to live like I truly believed what God says?  What would it look like for me to live boldly and to trust that all my needs would be met?

Would I take greater risks?  Would I sieze more opportunities?  Would I love more fully?  Would I speak more freely?  Would I worry less about propriety and “the rules” and how the world says I should behave?  Would I be less hurt, less offended, less affected by others?  Would I be able to wait on God’s timing without anxiety?

God tells us that “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25).  I see such truth in this.  All my own fears are my own snares.  I trip myself up with them, limiting what I can do with my life and how I can serve God and others.  I often feel like a horse that needs blinders to be reluctantly lead through a path that instills fear–block out the noise, follow the lead, and you will be just fine–I hear God say.

I am reminded what we can do when we trust–when we choose to act with faith.  In Matthew 14: 23-33 we read “And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”  Peter could literally walk on water when he was so connected to Christ and trusted with unwaivering faith.  However, the moment Peter looked around and saw the absurdity of his actions from the world’s point of view and thought about all the things that could go wrong, he stumbled.  How like Peter I am!

God tells us in Psalm 37:3-6 to:

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

We are to dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Dwell.  Spend time there.  Take up residence.  Be friends with faithfulness.  Peter could walk on water when he did that!  God says to delightin the Lord and He will give us the desires of our heart.  Delight!  Not worry or panic or look around while we are out on the water and freak out because the wind is blowing!  Delight!  He WILL give us the desires of our heart.  If we want to walk on that water–He will cease the winds for us!  How amazing is that?  God says to Commit your ways to the Lord.  That implies choice.  Commit.  Make the decision to trust and comit.  Then what?  Trust in Him and He will act.  Wow.  Trust in Him and then HE will act.  It isn’t my actions.  I don’t have to stop the winds.  I just have to trust…that’s all that is required.  To make a choice.  Then, He will act.  The God of the universe, the creator of all things, the One who existed before and will exist after time–will act.  Imagine that!  The full authority of this amazing God will act–if I just trust.

The Gift

Exhausted.  That’s how I feel almost every moment of every day lately.  Just beat.  Not from lack of sleep but from being sick.  It is irritating.  I am not very good at sitting still and loafing around.  There’s just too much living to do!  And being sick in Spring is just harsh…but alas…I am learning there are so many lessons in this bout of mono…lessons I never thought I would ever experience…lessons I am extremely grateful to learn.

Just a few weeks ago, I thought I had cancer.  I was pretty scared.  I felt like crap.  I was too busy to think much about things.  I got myself close to mental and physical collapse.  But…God was so incredibly good through it all.  I think that experience was one the deepest spiritual times of my life.

I had to go out to Seattle for work the days right before my biopsy.  I took an extra bit of time while out there to just get out alone, reflect, pray, and think through my life.  I was in need of deep soul refreshment and God was faithful.  He filled my heart and mind with so many beautiful verses and reminded me of His unfailing love in the most intimate ways.  God is such an incredible poet…and artist…and friend.  I sat out alone on a log, overlooking a beautiful moody bay.  The sun was peaking through an intense blue sky and snow fell quietly around me at times.  There, I just cried.  I poured my heart out, telling God that I didn’t understand why cancer…why now…what was it for…what purpose was it to serve…and what lesson was I to learn.  I just heard God so gently say…stop spinning your wheels…stop striving…stop being so attached to your work, your schedule, your dreams, your goals, this world…and rest in me.  I can’t explain it…I truly can’t…but it was the most peaceful assurance I have ever had in my life that I know exactly where I am going when I die.  As I sat there on that log contemplating the potential of my own death…I had peace.  That alone is the victory Christ offers…and I just feel so grateful for the gift.

You are blessed to be a blessing.

I love my job.  I truly do.  It is in no way an easy job.  Today was pretty much a nightmare with politics and tempers and a lot of basic crap to put up with…however, at the end of the day…I look at our mission and the hearts of my colleagues…and I thank God for the opportunity to do what it is I do.

All day today I heard such amazing stories of service…people sold out to promoting God’s kingdom and helping people find light in what can be a horribly dark, bleak world.  I heard stories from people completely convinced that a Kingdom is at stake and we are at war with terrifying, real Satanic forces.  I heard first hand testimonies from people who have faced machette attacks from wild men who hate the name of Christ and brave souls who move their families half way around the world to places others would never go just to reach a brother or sister for Christ.  I heard stories of near starvation when food supplies are cut off or war breaks out and escape routes are closed.  I heard stories of complete dependence on prayer and God’s utter faithfulness to change incredibly dire situations.  I heard stories of radically transformed lives, changes that impacted whole communities and moved an entire people from violence to peace.  These are the stories of my colleagues and friends.  These are first hand accounts of what they have seen and lived.  These are the stories shared over dinner with tears and laughs and joy and pain.  These are the stories of real life.

We’re given one shot on this planet.  We have a choice in how to spend that time.  God gives us His guide and free will.  The rest is up to us.  What are we going to do with the blessings God has given us?  I am humbled to be around folks who have asked themselves the question:  why am I blessed?  and confidantly and fully concluded…to be a blessing.

 

Everlasting Love

I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, with loving-kindness have I drawn you” (Jeremiah 31:3).

It’s amazing to me how God’s Word is active and alive.  It blows my mind that you can read the same verse at different points in your life and receive a fresh application and new meaning each time.  God’s Words as captured here through His prophet Jeremiah have always struck me as some of the most beautiful in all of literature.  Out of all the books I’ve read in my Master’s in Literature, never have I heard something so romantic, so pure, so utterly tender as these:  “I have loved you with an everlasting love”–what human heart does not long to hear such words?  What incredible poetry is this!

Lately, I’ve been feeling alone–not lonely, just alone.  I had some terrible news recently that’s made me want to pull back, pull inside myself, reflect, and enjoy solititude for awhile.  I’ve needed rest.  This news has made me realize how much my body aches for rest.  This news is potentially life altering and hard to face–but like some amazing romantic gentleman, I hear God’s Words whisper in my ear–”with loving kindness have I drawn you.”  How easy it is when we receive bad news that affects us personally and deeply to question God’s motives, to throw tantrums at His timing, to deem Him unloving and unfair.  How often we fall into the trap of thinking God is unjust, unmerciful and unwilling to hear our pleas…and yet, when we are still and give him a place…He whispers what our hearts long to hear…He has loved us with an everlasting love–with loving kindness He has drawn us.

This next week will be an intense, busy week for me as I head out to Seattle for work.  However, I am looking forward to connecting with colleagues and making progress on our project.  At the tale end of the trip though, I am planning time to get lost alone along the Washington coast…to spend time to reflect and just be…no schedule, no agenda…just time to rest and truly appreciate the deep reality of His everlasting love.

12 GREAT things about today!

1. A high-five from one of my 7th grade girls as she shouts “I get it, Miss Lesley!” (and knowing that she does!)
2. Being pounced on by some of my girls as they ambushed me with hugs.
3. Spending almost the entire day with one of my best friends.
4. Walking through a beautiful neighborhood, enjoying the cherry blossoms.
5. Enjoying spring gardens coming into bloom.
6. Chit-chatting with little entrepreneurs selling Lemonade at street corners.
7. An impulsive move to drop by Frontline Tyson’s tonight.
8. Singing Jeremy Camp’s Wonderful Maker at the top of my lungs in a room full of fellow worshipers.
9. An amazing word from a HOT preacher man tonight. 
10. Seeing 16 people get baptized today!!
11. Soaking in a hot bubble bath, putting on my favorite jammies, and slipping into bed before 10pm for a change!
12. Going to bed tonight knowing I am truly blessed!

Such peace!

Today was an absolutely amazing day.  I am so incredibly blessed.

I got my midterm grades back today.  I got an A on both exams.  This is extremely significant to me because I believe these grades are a “God thing.”  The week of midterms was an exceptionally hard one for me.  The exams themselves were not too hard but I could not focus and was extremely busy with exams, regular school work, capstone work, perspectives homework, social committments, and my job.  The stress and anxiety of an over-committed schedule caught up with me that week and I froze.  It was so bad that I was wondering if I was self-sabotaging.  I cried out to God about it all week.  I had no energy to study.  I had pulled 2 all nighters and worked a 50hr work week.  I was fed up with the amount of work in front of me and dead tired. I reminded God that I had acted out of obedience in pursuing this degree since it was His idea and I needed His help to see it through.  I pleaded with Him not to leave me hanging this late into the program.  It is too late to fail out now!  I shared with Him my bitterness in missing my weekends and my strong desire just to forget my obligations and go play!  Then, suddenly out of nowhere I got this huge burst of energy!  I woke up in the middle of the night, jumped on the computer, and banged out both exams within a few hours.  I felt at complete peace once I was done.  I felt assured that I only have a few more weeks left and will never again be asked to go through this same kind of intense labor.  I might have to work hard again and forfeit play–but not in this same way again.  After finishing the exams in the wee hours of the morning, I was convinced that God had given me the energy and the words to complete the exams.  It felt amazing to get the 2 As handed back to me today!  God is, indeed, faithful and I know He heard and honored my prayer.  My As were my rainbow.

I also had a wonderful conversation with my mom tonight about something important to me regarding my future.  It is hard for me to talk about it with her but tonight I was bold and I had such a wave of peace come over me about it that I just knew in my heart that it was right.  I know God has been wanting me to have this conversation for a long, long time.  Since Labor Day, he put a particular relationship and several key experiences in my path to prepare me for this particular conversation.  I can see very clearly every detail He worked out to help me bold… and I believe God honored the conversation today by giving both my mom and me peace about it.  I felt so incredibly free at the end.

Tonight, I met friends from my last job for dinner.  It was fantastic to see them.  I loved catching up on their lives and reliving old times.  However, I also just felt so glad to have moved on with my new job!  I felt so blessed!!  It was incredibly hard for me to leave my old job.  Giving up the comfort, security, friends–all of that was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  For me, it was a huge step of faith to trust God to totally reorder my priorities, my direction, my goals–my life.  It wasn’t changing jobs that was the issue.  It was the decision to for complete surrender–in a way I had never yet experienced.  Sitting there tonight, I had such incredible peace..and not just peace…but sheer JOY at my decision.  I can honestly say I have not a single regret.  I miss nothing.  I am so excited about my new path and where I know God is leading.  Sure, the money and the comfort of my old job is attractive but it pales in comparison to what is offered to me now.  Something happens to you inside when you walk away from what the world offers and you consciously choose what Christ offers.  There is something so freeing to know inside with full certainty now that I can’t be bought.  I am not a slave to money or ambition or climbing the corporate ladder.  I am not perfect, I don’t mean that at all, but tonight when I saw the 2 choices in front of me again with a bit of experience of both…I know that hands down, for me, I picked the right one.   –and what peace there is in knowing that!  God is faithful, indeed.

What a great day!!!

Betrayed!

Today I heard several stories that broke my heart–all having to do with failed friendships, loss of relationship, struggles with forgiveness, and an unsettling desire to simply be able to forget and move on.  I was impressed today by how often we either knowingly or unwittingly betray one another–we all do it–in big and small ways every day.  We don’t call back when we say we will.  We don’t offer the kind word when we know it is needed.   We tease when we know we shouldn’t.  We just walk away sometimes with no explanation whatsoever.  It is no wonder that so many people, myself included, have such a hard time trusting one another.  It is no wonder we can be so reluctant to open up and share life with each other.  We can play safe games with ourselves where we keep people at arms length or a relationship at a superficial level, refusing to go deeper because to be known is to be vulnerable and we deem it not worth the risk.  

I hated hearing the ambivalence in a friend’s voice today as she tried hard in her pride to deny that she still cares deeply about a friend who betrayed her many years ago.  My friend’s friend needs her now but my friend is struggling to forgive.  It is easier to pretend the need isn’t there–the need of her friend and the need to forgive.  We hide behind our pride in a vain attempt at self-protection.  Our pride puts up a wall that says “nope you hurt me once.  I won’t be hurt by you again.”  I, myself, have struggled with having to forgive betrayals and working through my own pride.  Just as my friend has to do in her situation, I, too, have to work through the bitterness and the heart break of what seems like entirely undeserved rejections at times.  Unfortunately, it is part of life…and life is just simply messy.  We have a choice in this–we can develop firm walls and not take risks–or look to Christ and seek His answers for our pain.

For the past 2 weeks, my devotion at work and at home has centered around the disciples’ behavior that night in Gethsemane.  It seems ironic now–given these thoughts of “friendship” I am having today.  Jesus had spent 3 yrs with the disciples–loving them, giving his heart to them, investing in them, bonding with them.  They lived life together–broke bread, traveled, slept, worked, laughed, and cried together.  They were intimate, close friends.  They were Jesus’ inner circle–the people He counted on to be there for Him through thick and thin.  Yet, on the night that He was in the most distress–the night He knew He was preparing for His own death–this crew, this group of friends–fell asleep on Him–not once but 3 times.  As Jesus fell face down in the garden, crying out to God to take away the pain and the approaching hideous death He was to face, His friends slept.  Imagine the betrayal.  No explanation.  Nothing.  They just simply were not there for Him. 

I hate this story.  Every time I read it, I feel outraged for Jesus.  I feel hurt.  I want to scream at these guys and say “men, your friend is in there in anguish–how dare you sleep!  Do you not claim to love him!?”  and yet I am no different than one of these who sleep.  I do stupid, selfish, inexplicable things all the time…things for which, I, too, need forgiveness. I figure that if Jesus, himself, had to experience this kind of let down from a friend…then who am I to think that I can escape it as well?  Betrayal, disappointment, unexplicable behavior from others we care about is all just part of life.  I find comfort in Christ’s words though when He says….”Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do.”  I suppose that is the lesson for us all in this.  We are commanded to love one another…no matter what…there are no loopholes in that, no escape clauses, no conditions.  We can’t say except when they betray us, except when they aren’t there for us, except when they don’t call or write back like we hoped or expected they would, except when they leave us alone in a time of our greatest need and offer us no explanation at all.  Nope.  We are simply and completely to love one another…as we love ourselves.  We are to hope for and think the best of each other at all times.  For me, the only way any of that makes sense…is in Christ’s words there at the cross…”Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do….”